


Raccoon Omelette

by HannibalDadJokes



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Baby raccoons are precious like have u ever held one, Crack, Hannibal and Will are really drunk, I was inspired by a baby raccoon my cousins found named Rocket, I wrote this when i was really tired in like two hours okay don't judge, Like Crack though time and space it's so cracky, M/M, There is breif lap sitting, Totally Bi Buddypal Will, Will wears lingerie totally canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 11:29:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7572478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalDadJokes/pseuds/HannibalDadJokes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dayum. Dez bitchez r smashed.</p><p>For some reason, getting obliterated in hella humid heat seemed like a pretty great idea to the on-the-lam murder baes. At least in this stylish new multimillion dollar home that is totally theirs, (they stole it, let's be honest.) there are plenty of comfy crashing spots for intoxicated dumbasses to lounge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raccoon Omelette

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE RISEN.

Dayum. Dez bitchez r smashed.

For some reason, getting obliterated in hella humid heat seemed like a pretty great idea to the on-the-lam murder baes. At least in this stylish new multimillion dollar home that is totally theirs, (they stole it, let's be honest.) there are plenty of comfy crashing spots for intoxicated dumbasses to lounge. 

"Hhhhannibaal..." Says the very, unhealthily, you know he'll be dying in the morning-ly drunk Will Graham. "Have you ever *seen* a baby raccoon?" Poor Will here is sprawled out on floor under the coffee table, pointing at the ceiling through the glass as he reminisces about all those stray raccoons that used to steal his dogs' food. "I saw one...like twice. When I was a kid. Not the same one. I hope. But oH MY GOD WHAT IF A TINY ETERNALLY YOUNG RACCOON HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME SINCE I WAS 12."

Hannibal over here, has evolved to ignore bullshit like this, from his loveydovey, or really from anyone. He reaches behind him from his spot on their trademark Big Comfy Couch™ to retrieve his drink from the side table. Shit, that position is really killing his old man back, and his vibe. Hanniboop sits up, not without effort, obviously, and stares down at his little Architect of Emotional Walls.

"Raccoons are rodents, Will. I immediately revert my eyes from such scum." Obviously, Count Fancy Pantsy the Eighth over here, never cooed at a goddamn raccoon. "And I sincerely doubt the same infant raccoon has been following you." Will shoots straight up, hitting his head on the table above him, he forgot it was there, surprise. "HANNIBAL." He 'bout to open a can of WhoopAss™. "RACCOONS ARE BEAUTIFUL, CHUBBY GARBAGE EATERS." He says, making rapid hand motions. He gasps, and points at Hannibal. "JUST LIKE YOU!" Will is now squealing in delight. Hannibal does that thing where he stares into space, open mouthed, unblinking for a few moments. His totally bi buddypal ceases his gigglefit and looks right into Hannibal's eyes. "But I love you both." They stare at each other for about a solid five minutes, slowly blinking.

Will gets up from his temporary nest on the floor, and struts his stuff about a foot in front of him over to where his snugglebear is on the Big Comfy Couch™. He stops in front of said snugglebear. Like an incredibly trained stripper, he rips his clothes off and leans his head back, puffing out his chest. The moment goes slow-mow as a spotlight that ascends from the heavens shines upon this lovely creature, surrounding him in a halo of light and sparkles. An eerily similar to anime blush spreads out of his cheeks, and his eyelashes cascade down onto his cheeks. The moment is so sensual, so *intimate* an- OH. WELL. SOMEONE GOT DOLLED UP BEFORE THE FIRST GLASS. Spoiler: he's wearing lingerie. And not that cheapass Adam&Eve bullshit, I'm talkin' Journelle. The kind that doesn't give a shit about having nipples in their ads. And damn son, them heeLS BRO. Hella swaggity. Where was I going with this again? Oh, yeah.

Being the sexy little minx he is, Will (it's actually me, I have full control over this story) plops himself down unceremoniously into Hannibal's lap. He grabs onto his neck for support, and kicks of his heels by swinging his legs up and down repeatedly. "I was wondering why you took up a sudden interest in having your own card. And also why you were wearing heels during dinner. Or why I could see the outline of a bra though your shirt. I just thought you were trying something out, perhaps to feminize your frame?" Oh, Hannibal. What a sweetheart. Will just gives him a bitchface. "You ruined the moment, you brat." He rolls his eyes and beginins to get up, when Hannibal sits him back down. On his lap. "Technically Will, the moment is still here, as this is this moment. What differentiates moments? Feelings? I always feel for you. Therefore, every moment is the appropriate moment."

Will just blinks slowly. 

He waves his hand, as if saying "oh well, what can you do." Before grabbing Hannibal's face. He does the stroky thumb thing. Hannibal then lifts his hand up to caress Will's cheek. He places the other on Will's fine booty. They lean in slowly. Will moves his lips to Hannibal's ear. Expecting some major tingles and some sexy talk, he really wasn't prepared. Will whispers sensually..."Omelette Du Fromage." 

He leans away and trails his whisper off into nothingness.

**Author's Note:**

> P.s. 
> 
> Journelle has some gorgeous shit. Like bruh.


End file.
